Calm Under Pressure or Just Good at Hiding It?

Do you maintain a façade of composure - a veneer of calm - while underneath it all you’re about as settled as a box of frogs?

It’s second nature to most high performers. And to be fair, it can be a real strength.

The ability to stay measured in difficult moments, not dump emotions onto other people, and keep functioning under pressure is invaluable.

But if masking becomes your default response to stress, conflict, pressure or uncertainty, eventually it catches up with you.

Because there’s a big difference between regulating your emotions… and disconnecting from them.

In this article I’ll explain why hiding your emotions from others can sometimes be exactly the right thing to do - but hiding them from yourself will run you into the ground.

I’ve spoken out pretty strongly in other videos against Vulnerable Leadership - wearing your heart on your sleeve - baring your soul to your colleagues and keeping them abreast of every emotion you experience. I’m not a fan of so-called humble leadership - the idea that you should celebrate your weaknesses, expose your frailties and display your sensitivities at every turn.

Braden Walleke - the Crying CEO - did just that when he posted a tearful selfie after laying off employees from his marketing agency, HyperSocial. His post sparked a massive online backlash, becoming a symbol of "tone-deaf" executive behavior and the dangers of performative vulnerability on social media.

As an antidote to arrogant, autocratic leadership behaviour, it’s understandable, but - like it’s opposite - it doesn’t work.

Colin Powell, the former American Army general, diplomat, and statesman said about his leadership training: “they would teach us at the infantry school no matter how cold it is lieutenant you must never look cold. No matter how hungry you are lieutenant you must never appear hungry. No matter how terrified you are lieutenant you must never look terrified because if you are scared, terrified, hungry and cold, they will be scared, terrified, hungry and cold.

In other words, if you share your negative emotions, you’re giving others permission to experience them too.

Now, this works well in many scenarios and - as I said at the outset - many leaders are adept at employing this approach in adverse circumstances. But - and this is a huge but - when you use it on yourself, it not only becomes counter-productive, it becomes positively toxic.

What do I mean by ‘using it on yourself’. I mean avoiding or hiding from whatever it is you’re feeling. I mean suppressing, discounting or blocking the emotions and feelings that your system is creating in response to the circumstances you find yourself in.

Initially this is a choice, made consciously. But over time, when practised, it becomes an unconscious reaction to adversity, a learnt behaviour which becomes embedded as a habit of mind.

Feelings and emotions are created within the human psyche for a very simple reason: they are there to be felt, to be experienced. They are feedback, data, information, wisdom even. They are not wrong, or for that matter, right. They are a natural, intelligent response to whatever is going on in your mind.

To be more specific, they are the response to whatever you are thinking. Feeling is the other side of the coin to thought. Think a thought and you will find yourself feeling a feeling!

What’s really important here is that when you have an emotional response to a situation, that feeling is not a direct response to the situation, but the upshot of your thinking about it. Which is exactly why two people in the same situation may well feel completely different about it. One may love it whilst the other hates it. Because they think differently about it, due to their different background, history, personality etc., they will feel differently about it too, even though the circumstances are identical.

Now, when you try to avoid any feeling, because it’s uncomfortable, it doesn’t go away. It hangs around, lingers, stagnating and eventually festering. The reason it does this is because emotions are meant to move or flow - the clue’s in the name: e-motion. They are designed to be felt, fully, and let go of, completely. You can see young children do this very naturally and efficiently - they feel something and let it go.

Many adults - men in particular - forget how to do this and suppress their feelings instead. The result is often a kind of dis-ease: unresolved emotions that don’t simply disappear because they’re ignored. They remain active beneath the surface, shaping behaviour, stress responses, relationships and wellbeing until they are acknowledged and felt. Over time, this can contribute to anxiety, depression, burnout and other forms of psychological distress.

So how do you, as a leader, respect the need for others to see an upbeat, positive and energetic response to adversity without you denying your own feelings which might be very different?

The answer here is made clear by discriminating between feeling emotions and externalising them. It is perfectly possible to experience emotion fully by feeling it and then letting it go, without externalising it for the outside world to pick up on, like the Crying CEO did.

Admit all the feelings that are flowing through you - experience them and let them move on. Know that they are not really you, but they are a crucial part of your human experience. Know that externalising them is a choice that you can make. Sometimes it is far more effective to acknowledge the uncertainty and jeopardy of the situation to others, than to pretend it doesn’t exist. But you can do this whilst maintaining composure and calm, encouraging others to do the same through example alone.

Be the swan, that whatever is going on below the surface, glides serenely above it.

If you are someone whose composure is easily derailed by circumstances, for others to see, don’t necessarily expect to change your behaviour overnight. In fact, don’t even try. Simply observe what is going on as it unfolds from this new perspective.

If you maintain a level of inner vigilance, and persist, you’ll find it becomes more and more difficult for your old habits to dominate your behaviour and gently, progressively, it will change.

Check out the Inner Leadership Scorecard - link in the description - to get a better handle on your leadership and start to make the changes you deserve.

See you in the next article.